Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
