He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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