I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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