Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
