haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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