i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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