Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
