I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
