did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
