Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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