you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I can't put those talents on a resume
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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