Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
