there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
