I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
