why do cheetos always look like penises
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
