I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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