I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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