Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
