we have officially lost it.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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