Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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