I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
