dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
