Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
