how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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