i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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