Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
