i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
