bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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