i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
