her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
