I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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