addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize