Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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