She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
