I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize