I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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