Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
