My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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