I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
