Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
