I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
