3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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