Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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