You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
