So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
