Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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