his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
