I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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