I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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