SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
