I showed him my bush... on skype.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
