I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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