do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
this will be a night to untag.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
