I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize