I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
