wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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