new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
