I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
where are my eyebrows?
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