I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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