Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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