Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
