The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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